Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

It’s funny how a color, an animal, a song, a movie can suddenly bring back all these different memories and emotions. Sometimes they are so painful. It’s like someone punched you in the stomach, is tying knots, and you lose your breath. You try to run from these memories, to push them deep down in you or out, as far away as they can go. You’ll do everything in your power not to think about them and it actually might start to work. But, then suddenly one day you’re minding your own business, on your morning commute, and one stupid song comes on and everything comes crashing down again.

“You can erase someone from your mind, but getting them out of your heart is another story.” I believe with my entire heart that that is true. I think that once that love has been there and established, real love, cannot fade. Run all we want. Fight all we want. Deny all we want. It will eventually catch up with us. Until that happens we will just have to either accept that’s how things are or live with a spotless mind, praying that those memories won’t find their way back into your thoughts*

It's Not You. It's Not Me.

There’s really no easy way to let someone down.

We’ve all been let down.

And we’ve all let someone down.

It never gets easier no matter how many times we play either role.

When dating in your 20s you are bound to come across a lot of duds.

I don’t mean dud as in they aren’t interesting; but rather they just aren’t for you.

This scenario all too often and frequent:

The date wasn’t bad.

He’s a perfectly fine person.

He’s cute, funny and nice.

I just don’t like him.

Ouch.

Perhaps for the next couple weeks or months we will continue to talk.

Exchange a few texts here and there.

Maybe even go on some more spark-less dates.

But why do we waste so much time on this person when we know it’s not there?

Soon we will begin to obsess over why?

Why don’t we like him?

Why not give him more chances?

Why not just keep texting him?

Why, why, why?

I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

He hasn’t done anything wrong.

I like him as a person, just not as dating material.

Stop.

Sometimes we need to not be afraid to hurt someone’s feelings if it’s making us unhappy.

Our time is too short and limited to waste on sparks and relationships we know aren’t there.

Don’t waste his time or your time.

Somewhere out there there’s someone who will find this perfectly fine guy great.

It’s just not you, and that’s okay.

End the bad before it starts so you have more time for the sparks that fly. <3

An Open Letter To My Parents.

Dear Parents-

Thank you for teaching me that giving up is not an option. You showed me that no matter how hard times are; you don’t give up. You don’t make excuses, you don’t whine and pout (maybe I do this a little), you don’t blame others. Instead, you figure out a way to set yourself on fire and survive.  

Thank you for teaching me the value of hard work. Nothing in this world worth having is easy to get. Actually, it’s not very logical or practical to think that you ‘deserve’ things or that things should be handed to you. You showed me that if I wanted something I would have to work for it. There is no such thing as a hand out but instead all of these things will be rewarded after hard work. 

Thank you for not buying me everything I ever wanted. Thank you for making me pay my way through school. Thank you for not giving me your credit cards. Thank you for really making me learn the hard way the value of my paychecks. Thank you for teaching me how to budget.

Thank you for teaching me the value of waking up and not sleeping in. Thank you for not allowing me to waste the days in a dark room. Thank you for teaching me to stand up for what I believe in. Thank you for teaching me to speak my mind. Thank you for teaching me about respect.

Thank you for always standing behind me and standing up for me. Thank you for allowing me the freedom to do what I love. Thank you for giving me the wings to fly. Thank you for always only being a phone call away. 

Thank you for being my parents and not my friend. Thank you for being my parents and not my drinking buddy. I have enough friends, thank you for understanding that and knowing that what I really need are parents, not four more friends. 

Over all, thank you for teaching me how to love. We may not have had the most of everything but the thing I can tell you we had the most and best of was love. You guys taught me that even in the lowest of times the love can and will still be there. No matter what was going on in my life I knew and still know that you guys will ALWAYS BE THERE for me. I can always call home. No matter how lost I’ve gotten myself, there will always be love for me within your hearts. And quite simply, that’s the best thing you could have ever given me. 

you never know.

This past week a friend of mine lost the love of his life, his fiancé, in a horrible and tragic car accident. She was much too young (only 22), too kind, too generous and too amazing to be taken from this earth. It completely broke my heart for my friend as I watched his world fall apart in a split second. His life, his dreams, his heart, everything, shattered before my eyes and nothing anyone could do or say could make it better. I couldn’t understand the pain that went through that family. If I had to try to imagine, I would guess that I would have to take the worst pain I’ve felt, the lowest of my lows, multiply it by 10 and it could still not compare.

I began to think a lot about the reason that things happen. I don’t know about you, but I’m a believer in God. I believe in Him and His plan for us. I dabble back and forth between a few ideas and thoughts but for the most part my beliefs have remained strong throughout my entire life.

Sometime along the days I seemed to have came up with something that makes sense to me. To me, the reason some people are taken from us so soon in life is simply because they are such good people. It seems to me that often times the ones who die young, as Billy Joel stated, are the good ones. Perhaps it’s because God decided that they have no more lessons to learn on this earth. They have proven to Him that they are good enough and ready to come home to Heaven. That seems to be the goal anyway, right? If we can prove to God early on in life that we don’t need to suffer through life on earth anymore, why not let him take you home?

The idea may seem far-fetched to some, but to each their own I suppose. On the other hand the sudden and young deaths have made me look at my life. I once saw a quote that said, “Is time a reminder of death or a reminder to start living?” I liked that. If I were faced with death right now, would I be ready to go home to Heaven? Probably not. There is still too much I need to see on this earth, too much I need to do, too many people I need to meet and too many lives I want to change. So, then I began thinking well what do I want to do in life. I’m a pretty ‘listy’ person, meaning I like to create lists. I began making a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish out of my life. It’s not too long but seems like it could be challenging to accomplish. It’ll keep my motivated though, which is exactly what I want it to do.

Your time is limited, you aren’t promised a tomorrow. Are you making the most of your todays? Do you tell the ones you love how you feel? Are you carrying hate in your heart? Are you forgiving with you should and apologizing when you should? Are you living the life YOU want to? Or, are you living the life someone else wants you to? Remember everyday should be a good day to die.

 Don’t lose the dreams inside your head. <3 

1526.

When you find your wings to leave the nest created by your parents you can fly anywhere. I flew to the city to create the life I had always dreamt about. Of course, at 22-years-old I’m not exactly where I want to be but I’m definitely making steps toward that goal.  From 18-22 I’ve met a lot of people who have filtered in and out of my life, leaving footprints and scars on my heart. Some of the most significant relationships I’ve formed are with the 5 girls I lived with in college, the family I choose for myself.  

For the past two years I have spent so much time with these five girls. We’ve been through it all together- first dates, drunken cries, ‘I’m feeling fat’ days, failing grades, one night stands, heart break, first day of class, hangover hell, graduation; everything.  There hasn’t been an event in my life that I haven’t shared with them and vice versa. Six completely different girls, different goals, different dreams, different personalities all together under one room forming a bond I would never want to replace.

As we prepare to move out of our ‘home’ I cannot help but be over whelmed with emotions. This house knows our deepest secrets, our happiest moments and the lowest of the lows. Leaving it behind feels like I’m losing a piece of myself.

We thought that graduation was the ‘next chapter’ in life, but honestly, I think this represent the next chapter. It’s time to grow up, move to our trendy little apartments in a more ‘sophisticated’ area of the city and continue on with our lives.

Of course, just because we are moving apart doesn’t mean our friendship is over. We will just be across the bridge from each other. Still, our friendship will differ for the better and worse. I won’t be able to come home and have all of my best friends in such an easy reach. I won’t have Hallie around to entertain me and do dumb stuff with that everyone else would think is stupid. When I’m sad and blue I won’t be able to knock on the wall and have Ash answer. There won’t be anymore movie nights in Kelli’s silk sheet dungeon. I won’t be able to watch Shelby grow and learn how to cook for herself ;) No, there are tons of little things that just won’t be the same when we move out. 

I’ll miss the late night talks, the bumming on the couch. I’ll miss always having someone around. I’ll miss our front porch where we sit and watch the randoms on como ave wandering around or just contemplate our existence. I’ll miss the noisy neigbs to the back (just kidding). I’ll miss our huge house parties that always seemed to last the entire weekend. I’ll miss my quaint little bedroom, nestled in the back corner. I’ll miss cooking breakfast and always having a house full of people. I’ll miss the drink stained walls and the fluffy new carpet. I’ll miss dancing on the table and chairs and singing out hearts out to “Season of Love”. I’ll miss all the smiles, laughs and memories that were made in this house. As things change, one thing I know for certain, these girls will always hold a part of me, a piece of my heart that can never be taken back. I would fly to the moon and back for them. I know that no matter where our new lives will take us, I will always only be a phone call away.

Moving away from my college home definitely means growing up and maybe it means that the healing can really begin. As sad as I am to leave 1526, I’m excited to begin a new chapter, grow up a little bit and make a new home where a bunch of new memories can be made, with walls that can hold a bunch of new secrets and rooms that can be the start of a bunch of new memories. <3

Hallie, Kelli, Ashley, Devon and Shelby- I love you girls. Thank you for the wonderful two years. xo

Some of my favorite memories of our house :) 

Love vs Lust.

What’s the difference between love and lust?

Love is wiping your nose on his sleeve.

Love is playing doctor while glass in stuck in your foot.

Love is lying in bed & not feeling like you’ve wasted a single moment.

Love is butterflies in your stomach.

Love is closing your eyes and seeing his.

Love is an empty pit when he’s gone.

Love is your heart racing when he rings the doorbell.

Love is the way he says hello.

Love is the way your fingers feel interlocked.

Love is the way you are tangled up in each other.

Love is trusting.

Love is slow dancing in a moonlit room.

Love is bringing you ice cream when you’re sick.

Love is teaching you new things.

Love is understanding.

Love is brushing your teeth together.

Love is holding hands.

Love is watching the sunrise.

Love is warming up your frozen nose.

Love is the way he laughs.

Love is his nose.

Love is something that no one else can understand, not even yourself.

Love is never saying goodbye.

Love is letting him go.

Lust is sharing a passion.

Lust is getting coffee.

Lust is a text message.

Lust is flirting.

Lust is splitting the check.

Lust is being unsure.

Lust is a guy at the bar.

Lust is dancing at the club.

Lust is feeling nothing.

Lust is walking away.

Lust is a shoulder shrug.

Lust is freedom.

Lust is a concert call.

Lust is how we feel.

Lust is feeling no pain.
Lust is temporary.

Lust? I love lust.

Love? I hate love. 

When You Fall.

Break ups are hard for every party involved. Often times they leave us sad, b u s t e d and broken down, seeming like there is no use in continuing on. People tell you that time will heal all wounds and soon you’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I’m not so certain that ‘time’ can be a healing factor. Not for deep wounds. No, time can only serve as a band-aide covering the wounds but never fully healing them. There will always be those moments, those memories, those feelings that will forever be lurking deep down inside your heart and soul. At any moment a fire could be ignited and there you are again, back at stage one.

Once upon a time a close friend told me, “if it feels this good when it’s wrong, imagine how it’ll feel when it’s right.” I’ve always held that advice close to my heart and often refer back to it. However, advice such as that is exactly what terrifies me the most about that silly four-letter word.

The thought of finding a love, to love more than the love lost is terrifying. Honestly, I’m not sure my heart can handle that much love. If I’ve already felt like bursting at the seams with happiness I wonder if it will ever be happy to feel that way again. To have not only the happiness and attraction but also the passion. The passion to love deeply and truly despite distance, lies, gossip, the good and bad; it just seems like a fairytale that will never come true.

How many chances do we get for love in this world? An infinite amount? Do we get to keep trying until we finally get it right? A lot of people make the mistake to think that love comes easily and to everyone. I believe that it is very rare to find that special kind of love. The kind that tears you apart and breaks you down but at the same time, builds you up and helps you become the person you are meant to be. No, I believe a true, real love comes but once in a lifetime. So, what if you are certain that you've already had that love and then lost it? Is there any hope for you anymore? Does love every truly fade away? That is what I’m not sure of and that to me, is the most terrifying part of falling in love.